My Brother Jesse is getting unsatisfactory service from Agent Provocateur

My brother Jesse wrote this letter to Agent Provocateur. I felt it was worth publishing.

From: My.Brother@Jesse
Date: Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 8:12 PM
Subject: Re: Contact Us : An upset 1st time customer needs immediate help
To: Services <Services@agentprovocateur.com

Dear Chloé or other anonymous customer service agent,

Thanks for your email (see chain below for relevant details including order number and history). Candidly it was totally unhelpful. If I were an anxious and fussy customer (as undoubtedly you have plenty) it might have placated me. Unfortunately, I am a slightly different breed. All I want are two things: The truth (no matter how much it hurts), and results. The truth appears to be, you have no control over my package, no assurity that it will ever arrive, and could care less. The results are… well you can imagine.

Close your eyes. Imagine your lover in sexy agent provocateur lingerie bringing you a mug of hot cocoa. Its cold outside but now you’re snuggled together in bed and things are wonderful… not to mention the joy associated with what you both know to be coming soon.

That is the opposite of what you have provided me.

I sit cold and alone with no lingerie, no cocoa and no snuggling. Santa did not come for my girlfriend, and I can assure you she was nice all year.

The situation is now desperate and I don’t get the sense in your email that you understand the severity of this situation. My package has not arrived for an order I placed on December 7th.

PICK UP A RED PHONE AND CALL SOMEONE IMPORTANT. KNOCK HEADS…. KICK DOWN DOORS… PUT BLACK PAINT BELOW YOUR EYES LIKE YOU ARE AN ATHLETE PREPARING FOR BATTLE…

I am a patient individual, but you are depriving me of cocoa and snuggling for god sakes…. have you no empathy?

Here is a direct actionable step you can take:

1. Call USPS and find out where the package is. Find out when it will be delivered. Find out if the postman’s wife has some new sexy lingerie she is enjoying.
2. Report back to me on your findings.

Non sequitor questions I wonder as I sit alone and cold waiting for my package to arrive:

1. I presume when I spend $250 dollars on lingerie I’m not just buying an item… I’m buying a luxurious way of life. In economic times of austerity, I am paying up for a little for quality but mostly for service. At least that’s what my friend who’s in business school tells me. So I should be upset that effectively what I paid for was not delivered, even if/when the item arrives? Right? Because I paid for service, such that I paid in sum a price above market rate for sexy lingerie. I paid for an experience that even once the item arrives, will never be truly delivered.
2. Chloe, I feel a little bad, because likely this situation is not your fault and yet you are the recipient of my intense dismay. I have a hunch you were not the person that shipped my package on the 13th when I ordered on the 7th. You were not the one who listed my item as “despatched” as of the 7th (such that I felt no immediate cause for concern) in my online account history. You have been unfortunately inserted as brave soldier, sent to defend agent provocateur’s reputation and resolve whatever issues the disgruntled customer (me) has. I don’t want to ruin your day. But as you are my only window into what I perceive to be a soul-less entity who ruins boyfriend’s lives, I am left with little choice. Please send this email to the appropriate parties and explain to them that their actions caused both you and I much consternation. Make them feel our pain. Perhaps you can use some of the more nefarious instruments AP offers for sale on your site.
3. I have a friend who never gets screwed like this and most of the time its because she acts like a total bitch right away at the first sign of trouble. She gets so far up the ass of the poor individual who unluckily happens to be on the other end of the phone that she gets what she wants and likely a discount on her next purchase. I always hate that she wins… it reinforces her nasty behavior that I loathe. But she always tells me, “hey, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” I respond with something about bees liking honey, but it falls on deaf ears. And what do I get? Crappy service.

Maybe I should try what she says:

I am important. I am fucking pissed. Fix it NOWWWWWWWW.

Rant over. Commence undisgruntling me.

Warmest regards in the holiday season,

Jesse

Tagged as: Agent Provocateur, customer service, jesse, service