Dear Lorenzo,
Thanks for your email…. sigh… where to begin… Lorenzo Lorenzo Lorenzo, You know when you really screw up and you father says, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”
Yeah, I’m pretty disappointed.
I hesitate to call you a liar because that would be rude and I don’t know you. But help me reconcile your below statements (highlighted in yellow for your reference) and the attached picture I have supplied from my online bank statement which indicates I was in fact charged $107.10 by Stubhub on 5/24. You may feel free to ignore my J crew charge. for which while I equally regret, don’t hold you responsible.
You Lorenzo, currently stand accused of inconveniencing me and messaging me with incorrect information. Luckily for you, I am going to give you the opportunity to fix the situation by reversing the charge, and perhaps demonstrating your profuse apology with mellifluous words or even financial amends in the form of free tickets, future no fee selling credits, or something inventive and juicy that turns my sour mood right around, like gushers fruit snacks.
If this is not your fault, which I assume it isn’t, and your reputation has indeed been shamed (I’d even argue tarnished at this point) by a malicious operator, who without telling you decided to charge me… feel free to beat him about the head and shoulders with a foam bat, or a stapler. Also yell VERY LOUDLY at him (or her). Express the immense dissatisfaction we both now share, such that they know deep down what they did was wrong….If HR gets mad at you because the operator is now sullen and bruised, remind them ” Jesse said I could do it”
If this email does not convey my annoyance and anger at the present situation I am of course happy to respond with a more typical: MUTHERRFUKER FIX MY SHYT NOWZZZ as necessary. Just give me the appropriate manager email who can handle this “escalated situation” and I’ll be happy to send an all caps form of communication that will ruin his or her Monday.
Looking forward to hearing from you and your plan to make amends,
Jesse